Category: the Rant Board
All right guys.
So normally I don't rant about something like this--Normally I don't take the time to rant about much on here in the first place. But this is one of those unique times during which I feel there's no other way to let my frustration out than to write on a board which will be seen by others who will probably understand where I'm coming from quite well.
We're in the middle of a blizzard here, and my mom has invited me and my son to spend the blizzard at her house--for a couple of reasons.
1. We dont' have a generator at our place, and at my mom's there are two--so in case the power goes out there's a great fallback.
2. Because the windows at my apartment are hundred-year-old, single-paned windows which are very poorly insolated, we have celophane covering them which keeps the place quite warm but it's not clear, so you cant' see through them--A factor which isn't fair to my son who could benefit from the pretty view of snowflakes covering the ground.
3. My son loves spending time at his grandma's house--especially with her, so I thought, why not another weekend of quality time for his sake.
So for these reasons, we're here--and I'm being driven nuts.
Here's why:
My mom is in one of those unique, multigenerational living situations, where she and a few of her brothers live with their mother--my grandmother, in a huge house meant for three families. I know this type of living arrangement isn't common here in the US, but that's what happens in multitudes of cultures, a fact I'm sure many of you are familiar with.
Anyway, I grew up in this household--and as I have posted in a few other threads, I've been pretty sheltered by my family during those years. I wasnt' allowed to cook, clean, do stuff that other kids my age were perfectly capable of--all because of my disability.
I grew up and out of that situation, as most of you know--I manage a household of my own, I'm raising a family successfully with a partner who's totally blind as well, I graduated college near the top of my class--
And yet, whenever I'm back home for a while, I feel tiny and inferior--and just as sheltered at times as I was back when I was much younger.
My mom is supportive and she stands by my achievements and by the way I raise my son--but the rest of the family never fails to second guess everything I do. If I feed my son--maybe I should feed him some more, because "how do you knwo you fed him enough."
How are you going to cook for your son--you might undercook his food--you better let us do it.
Oh. and my favorite one today:
My cousin and I made cupcakes just because--mind you, that's something I do on a regular basis at my own home--and yet, when my grandmother saw me getting ready to ice the cakes, she practically shrieked, "oh no!!! Oh my god!!! What are you doing with atht. that's frosting. You can't put that on yourself. You cant' see what you're doing!! What do you think you're doing. Put taht down."
And that's what i have to contend with. But only from certain family members. Sometimes I try to reason with them, but lately, I just give up--I pick my battles. I know this is just temporary, and that for the sake of my son and in order to spend time with my mom, I can put up with it for a while and then go home--where I can frost any cake to my delight. lol
But for the moment, it does get frustrating, claustrophoebic, and annoying. I've accomplished so much in my life and yet there are people around me who manage to make me feel so small and helpless.
I'm sure some of you understand...
While I don't have the same family situation, I get it. It's frustrating how family and others basically have not moved on at times. You moved out, you have a place of your own. Not true of your mom's brothers. They have lived the same old life and for them it's the same as if it were 1972 or something.
Really tough, and I hope you don't have to remain there long.
And I applaud your courage.
You're probably back home by now, but here's my 3 cents.
You are on vacation, so let them do it!
You won't change them, never did before.
You know what you can do, but trying to prove it frustrating, because they aren't listening and won't next week either.
Relax, play with your son and lover. Go build a snowman. Let them do the rest.
When you return home you will still be queen. Smile.
This is a pretty touchy subject because I don’t think there’s one single solitary independent blind person out there who hasn’t faced some degree of diminutization at some point in their lives. Fortunately, I have a family that’s generally treated me as an equal, and when I had to talk them down from becoming a little too overprotective, I’ve been able to do it rather successfully. It’s total strangers that sometimes really piss the hell out of me. I remember I used to take Amtrak from New York City upstate every few weeks/months to see my family, and there was this security guard who wouldn’t leave me to my own devices. One time he insisted I wait for someone to help me down the escalator onto the platform. I tried to insist I could do it on my own, but he kept telling me to wait a minute, that he would get someone. (a), I felt uncomfortable being treated like a five-year-old who didn’t know his own mind, and (b) you don’t do things like that to me! It puts me in a position where I have to choose between being a good little blind boy and making a scene, neither of which I’m inclined to do. So, when I was reasonably sure that his back was turned, I simply strolled toward the escalator, felt for the edge with my cane and calmly rode it down to the platform just as I’d always done. Still another time, just as I was walking down a flight of stairs toward the platform, he blocked me saying he would get someone to help me down the stairs. He got this guy, some stranger I didn’t know, and I simply put my foot down and said I was going down the stairs on my own. After that, I didn’t ever see him again, but it drove the point home to me once more that there are many times when we’re caught between a rock and a hard place. If we don’t stand up for ourselves, we feel we’ve lost face to some extent. If we stand up for ourselves, we run the risk of being told we have a piss poor attitude. (Yes, that happened to me once, and the irony is I didn’t even do anything to deserve it.) But it’s things like that that really infuriate me, and I still haven’t figured out a fool-proof way to deal with it. I venture to say neither I nor the rest of us ever really will.
I moved away from my home town when I was 19. March 23 of 2008. So the anniversary is coming up in a month and I would have been gone for 6 years. I have only gone back once and that was last summer because a very close friend of mine is dying. She is still holding on but she might not be with us this time next year or even for this upcoming winter holidays.
I had to deal with a bit of that there too. My close friend who is like a grandmother to me left me to fend for myself but my actual grandmother didn't even like for me to walk 6 to 8 feet away to get my own drink off of the kitchen table. I told her there in front of my brother, uncle and their families to please stop being so over protected, I can do it. She really did try after that to stop. I get so stressed out then cranky when they do this to me and a lot of it is because I don't have to deal with it hardly ever so I haven't mastered the whole relax and let go. Maybe the next time I will.
Funny thing though is that this same grandmother is always talking about how proud she is of me and how much faith she has and how she knows, just knows; I can do it on my own. LOL. Then she turned around and praised me for being able to count out change to one of my customers when she called me while I was at work.
My sister is awesome and treats me perfectly. She forgets I am blind and will walk off without me a lot but now I have my dog it wouldn't be an issue so much. She is very relaxed and natural with guiding me when I hung on to her. We laugh at my grandma and other people a lot for their over protectiveness.
I guess it is hard to except because it makes you feel as if they think you’re not good enough. It hurts when someone, like your own family, expresses that they don't think your child is being raised up good enough but to be honest, even if you could see, your family would still find something you’re doing wrong in their eyes.
I think all of us could recount stories of humiliation.
However, RightAway, it's your rant, so my advice would be to enjoy the vacation, be a kid again and then go home and be yourself.
Bob
Thanks guys. I knew you'd understand--thats' why I posted. I'm actually here till sunday, and my partner isn't here with me because he chose to stay home and work on some of his projects instead of dealing with my crazy, chaotic family. Oh, he gets along with them fine--and they like him too. He even gets along fabulously with my mom--and that goes against all the inlaw myths. lol. But he doesn't feel comfortable staying in an already-overcrowded house where chaos rules the household.
He'd done it before when we were courting--he stayed with me at my family's house over two thanksgivings and one christmas--a total of three and a half weeks, back when we stil lived in boston and we had to travel here. But now that he and I live literally five minutes away from their home, he doesnt' see the need to pack up and leave for a few days when he could stay in the comfort and tranquility of our home.
Besides, I suspect he could use a bit of a break and some alone time. (smile). He's a trooper though. lol
Ah, thanks for letting me rant, guys. I needed that. My baby's sleeping soundly now and all have calmed and quieted for the time being, so I'm relaxed as well. Serenity for the time being. lol
Write Away, I can feel your pain!
And you know, this isn't just a phenomenon that only blind/VI/disabled people experience. It is a pretty common thing when adult children visit their parents. It is just hard for some parents to adjust to their children as adults who can fend for themselves.
For me, this issue hasn't been the case. What makes it rough for me is my parents relationship. It is never fun to hear your parents bicker and fight, no matter how old you are.
And as the parents start to age and the roles reverse, that is another set of issues.
Life always has a way of throwing curveballs.
Hang in there and I hope the overall experience you and your son take away is a positive one.
Yeah, well--to add to my earlier rant, my family--meaning my mom, grandmother and her sons--are ones who bicker all the time. They really shouldn't all live in one place--it's so dysfunctional sometimes it's not even funny. No wonder they're all single. lol.
Yep. When I come here--though I love my family and I want to spend time with them from time to time--I swear, it's like coming to a circus where all the acts and animals have bad manners. lol.
I am so emotionally drained sometimes that when I come home, all I can do is sleep. And when I try to work--or write here in general--I somehow lose the knack for being grammatically correct. Although that may have something to do with the fact I need to speak a mix of polish and english here all the time, whereas, at home, I only speak english.
Yeah, there is no way to deal with that situation in a way in which everyone walks away from it happy. Like Johndy said no matter which way you go you are sacraficing something. Everybody is different and everyone has different responsibilities, some more taxing and tiring than others. I can understand your situation to an extent, obviously minus the experience of being a parent but... I know as a mother it takes work to take care of the child, plus you have work outside of that and at the end of the day you aren't in the mood to argue or try to prove a point to people that might let you be for the time being, but they will do the same thing in the future. This was hard for me to grasp when I finished training at LCB and became 100 times more independent. Do what you feel is right and don't mind the criticisms no matter what, because no matter what you do you will always be criticized and bothered by those who don't understand.
From all your other post about your family, they show you lots of love.
They argue and such, but I'll bet the person that comes to the front door and offends anyone in the house gets jumped. hahaha.
I know what you want, but fighting it waste your vacation. Sit down, ask somebody to get you a drink already. Can't they see you are thirsty? Smile.
I agree with much that is said here, but there's one thing I don't think anyone should inter fear with,. And that's the way she feeds her son, or how much she feeds him. Bernadetta I understand where you are coming from. I live with a person who although I know she loves me, i have to find a way to allow me to do the things I do. I meant her. Other than that, I know it's so different from your lifestyle, but Things will get back to normal when you return home. But still, though. enjoy the vacation,.
It's her momma, and her momma's momma! Get real!
They fed her and he grew.
They'll feed her and son even now. Sit down. hahahaha.
I get where Bernadetta is coming from re her son. I came from a pretty toxic environment myself, and while the insecurities regarding my blindness from my family manifested themselves in different ways, the principles still apply.
Perhaps, and correct me if I am wrong, Bernadetta, but I think some of this stuff is par for the course, but it is hard coming from family. I know that if something like that were to come from my family or my husband's family, it would make me feel very demoralized, simply because my child would be of the age to understand the attitude that "mom isn't capable because she can't see." This is a bigger issue than bernadetta's independence itself (although perhaps that's part of it), but her son can see the dysfunction and the freak-outs and may, however slight the risk, adopt the attitude himself. Is that something that worries you, Bernadetta? Perhaps I just haven't had enough coffee and am shooting blanks here...
Kate
Solution? Smile.
I really understand, don't get me wrong, but it just is a fight you can't win.
It is only for a short time, and kids are not that slow. He will know what his momma can do, because she tells him the same things.
"Boy, don't get up on that chair, let me get that cup for you. You might fall!" Smile.
It even affects families without sheltering but with very high expectations based on what they claimed came from the Parents of Blind Children magazines from the NFB and such. It can all circulate back to people not getting beyond themselves, whether it's they can't abide by letting you do something for yourself, or they can't abide by you not measuring up to the image someone from the NFB or other industrial complex created for them. Some kinda complex anyway.
And I get where VH is coming from. It can get very difficult for people of all abilities / backgrounds as the parents age and you're in the sandwich category / the parents now are in their 70s or so.
Imperfect as my solution has been over the years, I've basically kept it so I visit on occasion for a preset amount of time. I know it's hard if you go there and have no way to step out when need be. And it's particularly hard if they make comments on your kids where it won't match the image. I think we can all understand on this one, from various angles.
It is something that a lot of parents do as a natural instinct to their children. They think that because they raised you a certain way and because you turned out all right, they feel it is simply because of the way they raised you. What some (not all) don't realize is that the way a kid turns out can go beyond how they are treated in the household. It goes beyond some things that the parent can control, like who the kid ends up hanging out with in school, how the environment is outside of the house, etc. Family and parents are the main way of determining what the outcome of a child will be like, but we can't discount other factors, nor can we assume that what worked with one parent/child relationship will have the same results as another who uses the same methods. My uncle is very stubborn. He believes he has all the answers to life's obsticals and when he feels that his kids should handle a situation in a certain way, he will relentlessly pressure them in to doing what he believes is right. Because of this one of his daughters doesn't talk to him now because it is too much. She wants to start her own traditions but my uncle wants her to continue with his also, and he tried making her do things his way. It probably goes beyond more than I know myself, but that's all I know in that regard. I absolutely agree though that you are the parent, and nobody should try to go beyond making suggestions here and there to try and help you along. It isn't someone's place to tell you how to care for a child, especially when you have a good head on your shoulders and it seems like you know what the hell you are doing. Lol
And then we kids at midlife are tempted to turn it around on the parents, tell them what we think they should and shouldn't do in older life. I try to avoid doing this though I have sometimes fallen into that. And often one sibling will do this more than others and wonder why the rest will not join them. Often, that sibling has a valid point but aging parents are still as human as the rest of us, meaning they want to be left be as much as the rest of us, to do their thing as they see fit.
It works both ways. And people have expectations on both extremes for how a older person should respond to their aging situation. And trust me, there is as much drama, er, I mean dogma, about how older people should or shouldn't do things as there is about the blind. And image plays just as much a part to do with that also. Guess I actually meant drama and dogma: not really a difference there.